Many long years ago (1969) I saw a movie entitled "Paint Your Wagon". I guess it was considered a musical--lots of singing and dancing. Lee Marvin played a mischievous old goat while Client Eastwood was the dashing, chaste hero. Towards the end of the movie Marvin's character sings a song that every-once-in-awhile gets me humming...I was born under a wanderin' star.
I think of myself as a wanderer. I've never been real good at charting a course and staying on track. I've tried, but life, at least in my case, doesn't always follow my plans. I've owned daily, weekly, monthly and yearly planners, and I'm capable of making schedules and making plans. Since about age 18, though, my plan and life's plan for me don't seem to use the same planner.
But it could just be that I was born under a wanderin' star. There are times the wanderin' is peaceful and full of discovery, and then there are times, like now, when I have no idea where life is leading and I'm not enjoying the trip. I've learned to accept life's plan rather than fight it. I know people who are good at turning things around and making their plans happen--maybe they weren't born under the wanderin' star.
My purpose for this blog is to write about my journey as I navigate the long, long road of my mother's eventual death. I don't think navigate is the right word because it feels more like I'm being tossed and turned and thrown and dunked. I've meet others on the same journey. It's easy to recognize them because they look like deer caught in the headlights: cup of coffee in one hand, tired, anxious expressions, standing in the hallways of the hospitals, rehab centers, nursing homes, and hospice care centers. After a few days we begin to nod to one another, ask "how she doing today", listen with only half my attention because the doom-and-gloom begins to weigh me down.
I know how my mother's story will end...it's a predictable event. But it's the walk up to that final event that is uncharted and harrowing. I'm humming that song a lot now days. Thankfully, wanderin' is my normal.
